Over two million weddings will take place in 2023, and thanks to social media, it’s possible to be influenced by what feels like every single one of them. When it comes to planning their big day, brides want to do their own thing. But it can be hard to be original with so much wedding content out there. In this day and age, how do you have a wedding that really feels like you? (And your partner, of course.)
“It’s your day, do it your way” is wedding planner Chenai Bukutu’s mantra. (Bazaar named her one of the top in the world in 2020.) To better understand how the pros do it, we spoke to planners like Bukutu, stylists, and brides who’ve pulled off truly unique ceremonies, from designer Ellen Van Dusen’s colorful wedding in Savannah, Georgia, to Bari Musacchio’s Vegas bash (Elvis impersonator included). Below, a guide to doing things your way.
Try Not to Look at Instagram
“I think with Instagram, Pinterest, whatever, when you’re scrolling every night before bed and you get targeted with 100 other designers, it’s so easy to lose track of your initial vision,” says Anny Choi, a New York–based bridal stylist who previously worked at Over the Moon and Vogue. “There are so many options out there—it’s content overload—that you end up second-guessing everything.”
In addition to helping clients find their dream looks, Choi often finds herself offering pro bono therapy sessions. “I have to hop on a call every couple of weeks and say something like: ‘You chose this for X, Y, Z reason, and I think adding color is going to completely change what we talked about a month ago. And it doesn’t really feel like who you are; it feels trendy. Do you want to look back at your photos in five years and see this red train that was inspired by this one moment in the Oscars? No. You want it to feel like you—like the best version of yourself.’”
This goes for picking a venue, too. “It looks beautiful on Instagram to see people at the top of the mountain with a snowy ceremony,” says Alison Laesser-Keck, who runs Alison Bryan Destinations with her husband Bryan. “But there are a lot of guests that are like, ‘Absolutely not. I’m going to travel all this way and I’m freezing? And I have to do all these things that involve heights?? I hate heights!’”
But If You Must Look at Instagram, Study Your Own Profile
“If you look back at all of your old photos, you’ll see the silhouettes that you’re drawn to most, and that look the best on you,” says Choi. This also goes for styles that you’ve bookmarked. “You’ll find a common denominator.”
Don’t Be Dazzled by the Highest Price Tag
“More money doesn’t translate to more beautiful,” says Choi. “People especially think that they have to spend the most on their wedding dress. But if you want the Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy slipdress look, it doesn’t have to be a $10k dress, right? Be smart about those purchases, and then maybe you can invest in a super sick archival after-party look that you can wear again. Or maybe you’re an accessory person, and you want to invest in jewelry, instead.”
Keep an Open Mind About the Dress
“I have a lot of brides coming to me and saying, ‘I know I want to wear vintage. Can you help me find something?’ And I always say I’ll keep my eyes peeled. But you can’t be in the mindset of: I want vintage for the sake of having vintage,” says Choi.
Vintage is hard because it’s one of a kind and the sizing has to be perfect. A lot of people also think they need to do the demi-couture, made-to-order wedding dress experience, as opposed to buying off the rack. But it might even be more special to buy off the rack. Maybe you’ll find something less obvious. “There are only so many wedding dress brands out there,” Choi adds.
Don’t Be Afraid to Trust Your Gut
Eight years ago, designer Ellen Van Dusen of Dusen Dusen saw a graphic red, white, and yellow Marni dress. “I never got it out of my head,” she says. When it came time for her wedding, which took place this spring, she tracked down the matching top and skirt. But as it got closer and closer to the date, she started to second-guess her decision. “The skirt was too small and the shirt was too big; it just never quite worked,” she says. “I didn’t want to wear white, and I was like, What am I doing?”
At the last minute, she went with a yellow Lela Rose gown instead. It has a large white flower print down the front that echoes the six-foot-tall tulip sculpture in her home. “Keep looking until you feel like yourself in something,” Van Dusen says. “I had impostor syndrome in the other dress, but with this one, I was like, Yeah.”
Do What You Would Do Anyway As a Couple
This spring, Bari Musacchio, owner of Baz Bagel and Rubirosa restaurant in New York, married her longtime partner, Saralyn Feinberg, in Las Vegas. “The whole idea of the party was, you’re living a day in the life of us,” she says. “We didn’t want anything to be too precious. We didn’t want to be stressed out that the flowers were the wrong color or on the wrong table—all that stuff. Basically, we were like, ‘Get on board, guys. We’re going for it. Whatever happens, happens.’”
The festivities included an ordained Elvis impersonator, line dancing classes and mechanical bull riding at a country-western saloon, cabaret, and karaoke. “Most of the places we went to, we have either a personal relationship with them, or they’re a family-owned place,” says Musacchio. “Everything was done in person; no emails. We made the plan over martinis one night at Piero’s restaurant. They have an area called the Monkey Bar, which is like a cabaret-style dinner with booths. One of the nights we were there, we started talking to Carmine, who works there, and that’s how we came up with that idea. He sang at the wedding. So it was all organic. We were just like, Okay, how do we do this with 50 people?”
Consider Separate Events for Friends and Family
Musacchio and Feinberg first got married at city hall in New York and hosted a small, family celebration afterward. Vegas was just for friends. “I’m not going to bring my grandma all the way to Las Vegas to drive around in a hot-pink Hummer limo,” Musacchio explained. “We really tried to make sure that each party was appropriate.”
Inspire Guests to Be Themselves, Too
The dress codes for Musacchio’s wedding included “denim and diamonds” and “Vegas formal” or “black ‘glitter’ tie.” So, not your average “smart casual” or “festive.” Their friends in the fashion world—including designer Batsheva Hay, Todd Heim (a.k.a Steak Diane), Blondey McCoy and wife Jennifer Murray, and stylist Brie Welch—all rose to the occasion.
Pick a Destination That Feels Personal
“Clients will come to us and say, ‘We want to do a destination wedding, but we don’t really have a place together,’” Laesser-Keck says. “People meet in various ways nowadays, so our goal is to understand who our clients are as humans and what they love about life and each other—and travel. Where do they feel most comfortable? Are they adventurous types? Are they relaxation types? Where have they traveled to in the past, and what did or didn’t they like about it? What’s the most impactful restaurant dining experience they’ve ever had? What’s the best service they’ve ever experienced? Does five-star mean white-glove service or hip caterers in button-downs?” These are some questions brides and grooms should be asking themselves before they book a flight.
But Also One That’s Realistic for Your Guests
“Even if the couple is of a certain level of means, that doesn’t mean their guests are,” says the London-based Chenai Bukutu. “It’s important to be in tune with what will allow your guests to travel comfortably without a lot of stress. If you can’t subsidize and you have a lot of guests who can’t afford a certain place, maybe go closer to home, or within two hours of home. Maybe go to Mexico instead of Lake Como, because hotels in the area have price points that are more accessible. It really just depends upon the couple’s budget and what they’re willing to do and what their priorities are. But we’re always a huge fan of anything that’s guest-focused.”
Think About How You Like to Spend Your Mornings
“We ask a lot of our clients how they want to spend the morning of their wedding, and they say, ‘I never thought about that,’” says Laesser-Keck. “They just assumed they’d be getting ready. And you will. But how do you want to set the tone? Grooms, especially, will be like: ‘I really want to surf.’ Whereas brides will maybe want an amazing yoga session with friends.” Figuring this out can help you narrow down the kind of place you want to go. “Do something that will help you go into the day calmly, peacefully,” Laesser-Keck added.
Embrace the Local Flavor
“The best part about travel is eating the food, and every place is so different,” says Laesser-Keck. “A lot of people would go to Italy, for example, and think pasta. But the regions in Italy are so different from one to the next. We did a wedding in Puglia a couple of years ago, and we sat down and talked to the locals. They told us that Puglia is the birthplace of burrata. So at the welcome party, we had a fresh burrata station. Making the food and beverage part experiential—I think from a guest perspective, that is the difference between a good event and Wow, I am completely transported right now.”
Don’t Get Bogged Down by Expectations
People tend to think flowers are nonnegotiable at a wedding, but Bukutu believes they’re optional. “I always tell people: Don’t underestimate what candles can bring to the room and what lighting can do,” says Bukutu. “Regardless of your budget, candlelight creates so much ambience and can transform a space.”
She’s equally happy to give her clients permission to skip the champagne. “If you don’t drink champagne, you don’t have to serve champagne at your wedding,” says Bukutu. “If you’re Italian, drink prosecco. If you’re Spanish, drink cava. Sometimes brides think you have to have it, but no, you don’t.”
Don’t Be Afraid to Incorporate Tradition
“There are ways to keep tradition and still personalize,”says Bukutu. “We do a lot of West African weddings, for example. I myself am southern African—from Zimbabwe. And we’d maybe bring in more Nigerian food into the menu, rather than everyone being in a traditional asoebi cloth, or drummers.” She suggests nodding to your culture without being entirely by the book. She’s done floral mandaps for Indian weddings, for example, and more minimalist chuppahs for Jewish weddings.
Get Creative About the Favors
“I'm not into wedding favors in the traditional sense, because they can be quite wasteful,” says Bukutu. “Nobody needs a packet of seeds. Somebody might plant them, but I won’t. If you are going to do party favors, people love things that they can eat and drink.” She also suggests personalizing stationery, door tags, table place cards, etc.
Involve Your Guests
Creative brides attract creative friends. For Van Dusen’s wedding, ceramicist Helen Levi hand-made and painted 150 plates that were used in the dining service. Designer Sarah Murphy made papier-mâché vases as decoration. Van Dusen’s dad fashioned a big blue dot for her and her husband, Ben Sigerson, to get married in front of. (That was “way more complicated to make than it looked.”) Artist Lorien Stern made a shark head for the welcome table. And Van Dusen’s brothers played with musician Fae Webster.
“Helen offered [to create the plates], which was amazing, because she wanted to make something special for the wedding,” Van Dusen explains. “It was a lot of work for her and us. We went to her studio and painted after work and on the weekends.” The plates weren’t highly portable, but Stern made tote bags so guests could easily get them home. With so many friends helping, it felt worth it in the end. “I loved the idea of everybody getting to take something with them that we’d put time into.”
This story has been updated to reflect that Alison Laesser-Keck is part of a wedding-planning duo, Alison Bryan Destinations.
